Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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