My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize