she was so not down for the gang bang
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
