I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
