Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
