her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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