All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My ass is underappreciated
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
