I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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