Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
