my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
