I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
