My liver just broke up with me...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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