I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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