I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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