It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
