but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize