he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
