How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize