Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
