glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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