i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
