There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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