Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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