I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Never joke about your clitoris.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize