I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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