I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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