I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
