I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's rum buckets o'clock
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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