Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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