I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
