I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I believe in your delicious
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
