how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
