What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize