There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
