Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
