Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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