Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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