I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
