It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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