closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
