Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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