we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
