u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize