you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
