I just saw a hot homeless man
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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