I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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