Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize