A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
