How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
