I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
