After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
