if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
