Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
