Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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