dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
