I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
