She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
