Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
