I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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